Holiday

I know it's a bit redundant to say this when I haven't posted anything for over a month, but this is just a quick one tosay I am off at crack of dawn for a week's holiday.  Going to be slightly different to any holiday I've had in my adult life, as for a change it's important I still stick to my diet, instead of letting myself take a holiday from that as well.  But my BG readings have been good, and pretty steady, for the last few weeks, and my weight is much better than it was a couple of months ago.  So I'm fairly confident that I can keep healthy in Crete.  Yay, Crete!  Mountains and sea; and if the forecast I've seen is at all accurate, good, calm weather.  I have a sketchbook and a notebook and a couple of novels to read.  I have two bathing costumes and plenty of sunscreen.  I have healthy snacks for the plane. 

I have pre-flying jitters, too, but although I know how silly that is, they are a regular visitor at this point before any holiday.

I wish anyone reading this a good week!  I'll be back on Tuesday 26th.

A time of change

This has been a very strange month-and-a-bit.

In early March I finally accepted voluntary redundancy at work.  Paperwork took a while to come through, as the wheels of HR do turn exceeding slow, and consequently the official stuff wasn't actually signed till the end of March.  I am now in my notice period and I will be leaving Kew, where I've worked for the last ten years, at the end of June.  Ten years is a long chunk of a life.  It feels very strange.

Then a day or two later, feeling I had nothing to lose now, I finally told a chap I've had a roaring crush on for well over a year (& a slight crush on for a lot longer) how I feel.  I knew he was in a relationship and wasn't interested in me in that way, and he confirmed that.  He was nonetheless incredibly nice about it.  If I ever find myself (unlikely but even so) in the position of having to tell someone I like them as a person but-not-in-that-way, I now have a superb example of how to do it; with kindness, compassion, respect and even a sense of humour.  I've been rejected before, but always with the unkindness of grave embarrassment, or even with anger and disgust.  Never like this; he was just lovely about it.  I wouldn't have believed it possible if I hadn't experienced it.

Of course, the downside of that was that it made me like him even more.  It confirmed to me why it is that I've come to like him so very much.  He's intelligent and articulate and interesting, yes; but he is also a thoroughly likeable and old-fashionedly good man.  Whoever his other half is, they have a good 'un there and I hope they treasure him as much as he deserves.

Then a few days after that, and no "finally" about this one but a huge shock completely out of the blue, I was diagnosed with diabetes.

So 2015 is turning out to be a year of change and challenges.  I am determined not to be broken down by all the things that are being turned upside down; my committment to Kew, my casual assumption of my own continuing health...   I'm on a diet, and have already lost over a stone in weight; I'm on pills that should support what pancreatic function I still have left; and with an end in sight now, my stress levels at work are decreasing.  It's all very strange, though, very strange indeed.  Things have been taken from me that I had thought were entirely stable, and my world is changed utterly.

I went to the theatre tonight.  I had supper out beforehand (I am working my way through the various Superfood Salad options of the main chain restaurants; to my relief, so far most of them have turned out to be pretty good) and then I went to see The Nether, by Jennifer Haley, which has come into the West End from the Royal Court for a limited run.  This was, funnily enough, on the recommendation of my crush; and I can see why, too.  What an extraordinary and thought-provoking play, and what a brilliant piece of staging.  Although the subject matter is disturbing it's handled with immense delicacy, and it addresses some very powerful and challenging ideas.  It's on for just a couple more weeks; if you like an evening out that makes you think, rather than just entertaining you, then I recommend this highly. 

Not a good time

There's a lot going on at the moment, and I'm afraid a lot of it isn't good.  It's hard at such times to keep looking towards the light, to remember one's hopes and loves and moments of happiness.  It's painfully, shamefully easy to slide into depression. 

I don't want to fall apart and blurt out a great bleurgh of self-pity here, but I'm afraid I am finding my own life pretty hard going just now.  And so much of what I see around me in the wider world is hard as well.  There have been a lot of goodbyes lately, and a lot of losses.  There's been a lot of change, too, and much of that is hard to cope with, and harder to be unshaken by. 

There are moments when one just thinks "My life stinks!" and doesn't see anything wrong with shouting that to the skies; and there are moments when one looks at the things others endure, and the way they are enduring them, with a grace and honesty one can only pray for - and one feels a crushing shame.  Shame on me for thinking my pain is of any import, compared to what others must bear. 

Shame doesn't help.  Nothing seems to help.  Shame leads to guilt, which makes one feel even worse, but doesn't have any lessening effect on the world's woes.  Nothing seems to help at all for any of us.

Still, one endures; one must, after all, even if one cannot do it with selflessness or grace.  But as Marge Piercy puts it in one of her poems, "Nothing is won by endurance but endurance."

I'm just having a bad patch; one of those phases when every day is a struggle.  My awareness of how fortunate and privileged I am really, when you look at the grand scale of things, just makes the struggle worse, because it adds a deep self-disgust to the mixture.  I have nothing wise to say, nor any profound or even useful thoughts to offer you.  There are things I want to say, but I don't seem to have the words for some of them; and other things I will need to say soon, but which I can't say yet.  I am tired and I want to cry.  The optimism and sense of purpose of my last post, back in January, seem pathetic to me now. 

This is not a good time.

I've been in places like this before.  I know these things pass.  I have experiential knowledge of that. 

I wish I were looking around me and seeing hope and love and life and happiness.  I wish I were not reading about wildfires destroying homes, good and gifted people dying, other good and gifted people losing their jobs and seeing their careers torn in shreds, racism seemingly becoming more "respectable" by the day, harmless dogs being poisoned, whole communities being oppressed and ignored.  Dear Gods, what a world it is, when one looks into all that pain.

What is one to do, in the face of this?  There is so much sorrow and loss, so much cruelty, so much injustice, so much destruction.  It feels as though Kali is rising and destroying every well-meaning human heart, terminating every scrap of hope that those hearts had nurtured and clung-to. 

I'm being over-emotional, I know.  This agony of mind, this too shall pass.  And in the meantime, one does endure.  People are tough, and so is the spirit of life.  Hope and love and happiness do still exist, even when they are invisible, even when they are absent for a time, even when one sees them taken from the innocent and harmless and thrown on the garbage heap.  The spring is still coming round again.  Even when the wheel of the year seems to be grinding my face in the mud and breaking my back, it is still turning; and the leaf buds are still swelling, the myrobalans are still coming into blossom.  I will come out the other side of this.  Eventually.

I resolve

...to be a good friend, to care for myself and for those I love

...to do something creative every day, whether it is writing or drawing or sewing or baking or making chutney, or whatever else comes along

...to be patient with myself and others

...to eat healthily and spend time outdoors regularly, and to have solitude and company, each in good measure, when I need them

...to keep moving along my own path

...to do what is necessary, and remember that pleasure is also a necessity

...to remember I am not responsible for everyone else's feelings

...and to follow my bliss.

It's amazing to realise, writing these things down, how quickly the self-censoring inner voice starts up, expressing shock and misgiving about such a self-indulgent, self-absorbed collection of new year's resolutions.  Why, almost all of them are about me! 

Begone, inner critic!  I am what I am, and I too have the right to be happy.

I am a single woman with no children and no dependents.  I'm an introvert, yes, but I don't live in a vacuum, nor do I want to.  I have a lot of love to give, and I can choose to whom to give it; and I do choose, and I do give.  But the best way I can give that love actively and usefully, the best way I can be a good friend to others, is if I am in good shape myself, mentally, emotionally and physically.  So this list, designed to help me remember to do what hakes me happiest, is not self-absorption but self-acceptance. 

I hope these resolutions will be moderately keep-able. 

Happy New Year!

It's been an odd one, has 2014.  There was a lot of stress and disruption in my life, most of it dropped upon me out of the blue rather than wished-for or chosen by me.  There were troubles for many others, too, and for the world at large.  If I were just a tad more New Age and dippy I would say 2014 had pretty difficult vibrations.  I've often found myself wanting to be able to be a better friend to someone than I actually had the energy for, which is a sad feeling. 

There have been jolts and shocks, and losses, some of them bitter. 

But there have been good things too.  Big ones, like new friends, a new place to live, my mother's bad leg gradually improving (she's not there yet but every bit helps, as someone-or-other's adverts are fond of saying), at last making a little headway on the problems at work...  and little things; the singing wrens, the perfect roses, the fascinating lecture, the afternoon spent making damson jam...  I've written quite a lot, though I could certainly have written more if I were better organised.  I've been to a lovely wedding, and some terrific exhibitions at the Dulwich Picture Gallery and the V&A, and I've just about managed to keep up with my friends.  I've been to the coast a few times, and I've seen some very good ballet and contemporary dance and some very good films.  I've had a couple of very pleasant restful holidays, too (though I could have done with both of them being twice as long!). 

But I reach the turning of the year hoping very much that at least some of the drawn-out struggles and miseries of 2014 will be resolved in the coming months.  Here's to a year which really does bring renewed hope and life, and opportunities, and friendship, and love.  Here's to good health, physical, mental and emotional, for all my family and friends; nay, for everyone out there.  Here's to writing and drawing and singing and good books to read, and laughter, and spending time with the people you love. 

Here's to a happy new year.

Holiday

Just very quickly.

Work has been hectic, the last few weeks.  November is a busy month anyway, with the run-up to the Christmas programme, plus the exhausting World Travel Market.  I promptly went and added to the demands on me by adding one of my own and signing up for NaNoWriMo.  I didn't "win" it, but I'm 36,000 words into a new story, which I wouldn't have begun at all if I hadn't decided to try this.  So that's not bad for someone who's been fairly run off her feet.

I've also done most of my Christmas shopping and seen some excellent ballet and dance and a very good (if sad) play, and completed a couple of small projects at work, as well as doing all the day-to-day sales things.

On Friday I finally reached my longed-for spell of annual leave, the one that was postponed from September.  I really am very tired, and I went to pieces rather on Saturday; did virtually nothing except play with the kittens and go to the laundrette, and had a nap in the afternoon like a convalescent.

And so to today, and packing a suitcase, for tomorrow at silly o'clock I am off to Cyprus for a week.  Holiday!  It's warm and sunny out there and I have a bathing costume, a couple of fat novels and a couple of notebooks.  Bliss.  Have a good week!

Just now...

Just now
The world may feel strange
The light and the darkness both
May seem
A trifle unreal.
You may be
Sleeping suddenly deeply again
Or lying wide wide awake
A staring mind in the night
Until the sun rises.

Just now
It may be hard to believe
That anything will ever feel
Comfortable and at peace again
Every breath you take now
Is ill-at-ease with itself.
You may be
Crying inside, or be
Too exhausted for
The effort of tears.

Just now
Each day is a new task
The effort you did not know
You were capable of making.
Just now you may
Want to be left alone
Or long for your friends, and fear
Above all else, solitude
And the void it brings.

Just now
I hope and pray
You'll have the support
You need; just that much,
No more, no less.
You have
The right to go through
The darkness, this night, with
The tools that work best for you.

And you may feel
No-one can ever know
What this has cost you,
This journey up
From the depths, to the moment when
Your head breaks the surface
And you can breathe easy again.
You are such strength
As others dream upon
And you will come though this.

It may all seem
Strange beyond belief
But you will live.
You will sleep sound again
You will find reasons to carry on again,
And smile, and breathe, and think,
No longer only to weep
Though that may be all you know
Just now.