A couple of days off have left me feeling far more human. I still can't wait for my holiday at the end of the month. But a quiet weekend, a couple of long telephone calls with my mother, a pleasant meal out at Bistro One in Southampton Street, some brilliant contemporary dance from Northern Ballet at the Linbury Studio (& what a gorgeous little theatre that is; I'd give my eye teeth to be able to use it >sigh<), plus getting my fantasy western past the 100,000-word mark today; yes, after two days of that, I feel more like me.
I've also discovered that crying jags are, like non-specific bouts of depression, frequent symptoms of the perimenopause. While not exactly cheerful news, this does at least help me to place my weird attack on Friday evening in perspective. Yup, I'm a menopausal woman, folks. Be afraid, be very afraid...
The only alternative to going through the menopause is to die first. Which I should prefer not to do. Even when it is chaos, even when I am worn out and depressed, and work is hectic and I am trying to get used to using a ticketing system that has the electronic equivalent of several limbs in plaster (& one perhaps tied-on with string), even then, I enjoy my life. I know I will die one day; maybe tomorrow, maybe not for another forty years. Why wish it any sooner, when I have so much I want to do with my time?
Anyway, if anyone was worried (& I know one person at least was; bless you, dear heart), don't be. I'm okay. It was just one of those days, a day that started well and went sour. We all have them from time to time.
I've decided to step off the 5:2 diet wagon again for a while, though, since I don't know that this is a good time for being hungry. It isn't as if anyone but me cares if I am stout or not, after all. I was trying to diet because I dislike finding it harder to run for a bus, not for my looks (or lack of them). But right now I think self-care is the order of the day. That needn't mean self-indulgence, but it's not self-denial either. It means enjoying that lovely fresh grapefruit I had for breakfast, and the extra pumpkin seeds I put in my cereal. It means not feeling harried into doing things I don't want to do, not feeling I have to apologise for being an introvert. It means showering in the morning and using conditioner in my unruly rag of hair, and wearing my good clothes even on non-work days, not because anyone is looking, but because I will feel better if I am clean and do not look like a windswept tramp. It means going out of the office for some air, and taking the time to say hello to friends and not sit in a slumped heap feeling sad in the summerhouse like a neglected toy. It means all sorts of things, but it does not mean trying to lose weight. Not at this moment in time. Life is too pressured to add any more pressures just now.
On with the motley tomorrow, anyway. Little by little we'll get there. My life seems to be full of half-resolved stories, and little by little I'll get to tell them all, or have them told to me.
Who knows, tomorrow I may get a breakthrough of some kind at work. I may learn that my job is secure (gods, I hope it is!). I may get a procedure for a month-ahead report on unconfirmed provisional bookings, or one for last month's figures, or a new process to simplify another task. If work stays hectic, nonetheless I may find something wonderful in bloom, or be paid a compliment, or run into a friend; I may have the chance to help someone, or simply hear a good joke. Someone may like my singing or my writing, or may just need a cup of tea that I can make them. Of such small incidental things much happiness is composed.
Meantime, all of you who I cried over on Friday; I'm sorry if I worried or embarrassed you, and I hope you are all well, and I love you all. Even the ones I don't know. Look after yourselves.
I'm not going to delete Friday's post. I've thought about it, but it seems a false note somehow. One should not hide from the shadows; they will still be there, notwithstanding, so better to be comfortable with that. It's all part of life's rich pattern.